I chose my 2023 word of the year when I was in a very different mindset than I am today. I was in the midst of a toxic study schedule, isolating myself from my family and friends while I pushed to study as hard as I could. I made big goals for the year too – to cash flow a European vacation and save and invest $45,000 all before planning to expand our family in the next year or two.
“Ambition” seemed like the perfect word to describe my ambitious year and attitude. I assumed that I would study for and take the PE (professional engineering exam) once or twice back to back. I assumed that saving and investing $45,000 while cash flowing a European vacation would be completely doable. I felt fired up and ready to go.
I set these goals up as gate keepers to the rest of my life. Once I passed the PE, saved a 6 month emergency fund, and paid off our car loan, I could start living again. We could start trying to expand our family.
My therapist tried showing me how detrimental this behavior was multiple times by trying to talk to me about why I had set my life up and how it might be contributing to my unhappiness. We talked about how this gate keeping behavior could be stressing me out and causing more harm than good. But I didn’t listen to myself or him and continued to push onwards.
After I found out that I failed my PE in late January, I fell into a deep depression. On medication, it is pretty rare for me to feel my depressive episodes anymore but this one really stuck out. It felt like my life was crumbling around me. I had been hoping upon hoping that this test would be over so I could start living again and when I found out that wasn’t the case, I just couldn’t take it. I lost all interest in my hobbies, I struggled to eat enough, and I struggled to find meaning in my work. I internalized that fail notice and got my identity wrapped up in it. I felt like a failure and that shame took control of my life.
I assumed that I needed to jump back into studying as soon as I could and scheduled a new test at the beginning of May. I made myself a study schedule and I pushed and pushed only to come out of each study session frustrated and crying. My therapist and family watched and listened while I struggled.
While trying to study, I was also trying to heal my depression. To make myself continue to pursue my hobbies until joy came back into them. I started sewing again, I came back to @Fipolar_, I started making videos for YouTube again, I tried out film photography, I spent as much time outside in the snow with my family as possible, and I worked and worked in therapy. I did what it took to get my mood back in line and get to a place of stability where my medication was working again.
Eventually, I turned the corner.
But, I was still trying to study and still crying and still getting frustrated. My therapist tried his hardest to subtly point out to me that this wasn’t working for me. Finally, I ended up crying on the phone to my Dad. He told me that it was like watching me throw myself against a brick wall over and over again. Although I knew deep down that studying so hard wasn’t working this time around and that I should postpone my test and try again later in the year, I was frankly too stubborn to admit it. He talked to me about why that was and gave me the permission to take a break. He told me that he was proud of what I had done so far and that I wasn’t letting him or the rest of my family down by taking a break.
Finally, I admitted to myself that I needed a break and accepted the fact that it was not failing to do so.
In the few weeks since that conversation, I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve been thinking about my word of the year and I’ve been thinking about how I can’t just push towards my goals without living life around them. I’m seeing the same things that happened when I first found the FIRE movement. The same push to save and invest as much as I could without regard to the rest of my life. I don’t deny, it put me in a great financial position, but I also missed out on a lot. There was no balance.
My well intentioned goals quickly turn unhealthy and toxic when allowed to run free. Part of that is a side effect of my bipolar disorder but part of it is just me. I’ve worked hard in therapy to learn how to stay mindful and how to contain my goals but the PE really got away from me.
Eight months of studying for one test might just generally do that to a person.
Where I’m trying to go with this is that “Ambition” no longer feels appropriate as my word of the year. It signifies a fleeting moment of my year but doesn’t account for the thoughtful rest of it. It doesn’t account for this study break that I’m currently on, it somewhat accounts for the intense 10 weeks of studying I will be doing before my test in August, but it doesn’t account for the mindfulness that I’ve gained since failing that first test.
Instead, a better word might be “balance”. There will be times this year that are exceptionally tough and times that have already been exceptionally tough. There will also be times where life feels easier and just flows. Between them, I need to keep a healthy balance. Bringing balance into my life is all about what this study break is about.
So, this is me, changing my word of the year in early March after seeing how the beginning of the year as been. My new word is balance and it is much more appropriate.
Out of curiosity, have you stuck with your word of the year or have you changed it?